Why I Start with Connection: Attachment Parenting, Gentle Parenting, and Responsive Sleep Training Without Cry It Out

If you scroll through Instagram, you’ll find dozens of gentle parenting and attachment parenting pages. At face value, they seem great: give your child autonomy, be responsive, validate feelings, and breathe through meltdowns to teach regulation. That’s exactly why connection is always the first step in my responsive sleep training framework. 

Photo by Rendy Novantino on Unsplash

But, you might be thinking, how can I get my child to sleep through the night without being fully responsive? 

Let’s talk about it! We are going to deep dive into attachment parenting, attachment theory, gentle parenting, sleep training, and how it all fits together. 

Attachment Theory and Parenting

Attachment theory begins with British psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby and American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth. As a result of observing the effects of separation and loss on children after WWII, Bowlby proposed that babies are biologically wired to seek closeness to their caregivers for safety and survival. 

During the 1970s, Ainsworth created the Strange Situation study to observe infant-caregiver bonds and identified different patterns of attachment. 

Together, Bowlby and Ainsworth laid the foundation for modern attachment theory. 

This theory says that infants need at least one consistent, responsive caregiver to feel safe and to develop healthy social-emotional regulation. At the core of this theory are four (4) key principles: 

1. Secure Base: A child uses the caregiver as a base to explore the world

2. Safe Haven: The child returns to the caregiver when they are in distress

3. Proximity Maintenance: The child desires closeness to the caregiver

4. Separation Distress: The child is anxious or distressed when separated from the caregiver

They also established what are now known as Attachment Styles. We don’t need to go into all of them, but for our purposes, the most important is Secure Attachment. 

A child with a secure attachment has a consistent and responsive caregiver with whom the child feels safe to explore, but can always return to for comfort. 

At its core, attachment theory parenting is about being responsive to your child. The keyword here is responsive. We’ll come back to that in a bit. So, let’s move on to Attachment Parenting. 

What Is Attachment Parenting? 

Coined in the book The Baby Book in 1993 by Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears, Attachment Parenting refers to a parenting philosophy of constant closeness and responsiveness. 

The Sears’ framework is encompassed by the seven (7) B’s. They are: 

1. Birth bonding 

2. Breastfeeding

3. Babywearing

4. Bedding close to baby

5. Belief in baby’s cries

6. Beware of baby trainers

7. Balance and boundaries

They took Bowlby and Ainsworth’s concept of responsiveness and equated it with physical closeness. The Sears’ encourage parents to trust their instincts over cultural pressure to separate from their child, which is something I consider when creating responsive sleep training plans. 

There are many benefits of attachment parenting, but the constant physical connection to the child can lead to parents feeling touched out or overwhelmed. 

One thing to note is that the Sears’ framework is just a guideline. It does not have to be followed strictly. There is no guilt in taking what resonates and leaving what doesn’t. Find what works for your family and forget what doesn’t. 

A note about bed-sharing: the American Academy of Pediatrics warns against bed-sharing of any kind due to SIDS risk. I am of the belief that bed-sharing can be safe when done properly. I have a whole article on that right here. If you have extra questions, please feel free to reach out!  

Gentle Parenting vs Attachment Parenting

The term gentle parenting movement started around 2015 with the publication of Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s book The Gentle Parenting Book. This mindset, built on empathy and boundaries, has gained traction as an alternative to the authoritarian methods and the permissive “anything goes” method. 

The main pillars are: 

1. Empathy: Understanding your child’s needs and wants before responding

2. Respect: Treat the child as a whole person with valid emotions

3. Understanding: Recognize developmental stages 

4. Boundaries: firm, but loving boundaries which create safety, not punishment

Gentle parenting is about discipline through teaching, not punishing, emotional coaching by helping children name and navigate emotions, modeling calmness and regulation, and setting boundaries as a way to learn limits.

Gentle parenting is often confused with permissive parenting, but true gentle parenting discipline means firm, loving boundaries. 

Again, take what you need and leave what you don’t. 

So, now that we know about attachment theory and parenting as well as gentle parenting, let’s talk about…  

Sleep Training without Cry It Out

Sleep training gets a bad reputation for being harsh, ignoring a child’s cries, and leaving them alone. And while that is often what we see in the media as the method, sleep training doesn’t actually look anything like that in practice. 

There are several methods we can use, not just cry-it-out (which I don’t use by the way). Which method is best for your family is determined by a number of factors including your parenting philosophy, your child’s temperament, and your main sleep challenges. 

When you work with me, we lay the groundwork for successful sleep by looking at what happens during the day. We talk about your child’s current rhythms and routines, your schedule, and your sleep goals. 

Because I know that what happens at night is directly impacted by what happens during the day. 

Sleep training is so much more than what you see on social media. There is a way to get better sleep without compromising your values. 

How Connection Creates Better Sleep 

So, what does all this mean for you? Well, it means you can hold onto what resonates with you and how you raise your child AND help your child get better sleep. 

You can’t fill everyone else’s cup when yours is empty. So, let’s change the narrative around sleep training. 

We can teach independent sleep and be responsive. 

We can sleep train without cry it out and model regulation during any tough moments. 

We all need sleep. Even you! 

Let’s chat and find a way that feels good to you. Because when you work with me as a baby and toddler sleep consultant, we start with connection during the day to support better nights. 

Let me help you get from overwhelmed, exhausted mother bear to thriving mama in less than 2 weeks. Schedule a FREE 30-minute Sleep Starter Session to find out how! 

30-Minute FREE SLeep Starter Session

P.S. Don’t forget to grab my FREE guide “One Night Bedroom Makeover for Better Sleep” and sign up for my “Night Light Glow” newsletter!

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